JAN. 2025. Blues Vol 41 No. 1

WORDS BY ADAM A.

WORDS BY ADAM A. MEYERSThe Aftermath of a First Responder’sCritical Incident & OIS Resulting in a death.Adam’s story of coping with his OIS and the different ways he struggledto return to his LE job in his own words.To Whom It May Concern,Please consider sharing/publishingmy story of how I livedand coped negatively after acritical incident and about how Ireturned to law enforcement. Asa First Responder I feel obligatedto share my story in hopes that itwill help someone.The story has been writtenby me and briefly explains thedifferent ways I negatively copedafter I killed someone in the lineof duty. I truly hope my storyhelps someone. Feel free to sharemy story with anyone.Thank you,Adam A. MeyersHartford, Wisconsin - USA(715) 864-4295 - Call/Textwww.stopthethreatstopthestigma.orgMy name is Adam, and I havebeen a Police Officer in Wisconsinfor 23 years. I am also aCertified Peer Specialist in Wisconsin.I began my law enforcementcareer in 2001 after servingas an active-duty United StatesArmy Military Policeman. In April2016, I was involved in a criticalincident that changed mylife forever when I used deadlyforce on someone who armedthemselves with a hatchet insidea busy department store. Thatperson died.I suffered in silence for manyyears after my critical incidentand I am ashamed for the waysI poorly coped. I still feel shamefor the ways I coped and treatedpeople. I find it hard to believethat nobody realized or even hada gut feeling that I was not doingwell. I could not have been thatgood at hiding my poor copingstrategies, or was I? I havealways wondered if people wereslowly watching me self-destructbecause they did notknow what to say to me, how tohelp me, or they simply did notwant to get involved.It has taken me many yearsto get back on track. There aremany different coping strategiespeople may use after experiencingtrauma. They may begood and healthy, or they maybe bad and unhealthy. My copingstrategies were bad, unhealthy,self-destructive, and dangerous.I used alcohol, marijuana, casualsex, and self-harm as some ofmy poor coping strategies foryears after my critical incident.My poor coping strategies easilyput my relationships, job, andhealth at risk, but I did not care.I wanted to escape from what Iwas feeling. I wanted to numbmy emotions, my thoughts, mybody, and any memory of taking116 The BLUES - - JANUARY ‘25 ‘25

someone’s life. I wanted to feelbetter even if only momentarily.I was selfish, reckless, and I didnot care how my self-destructiveand dangerous behavior mayhave affected my family, friends,children, co-workers, and thepublic.There were many times aftermy critical incident that I did notwant to go to work. This was notbecause I had other plans or thatI was hungover from consumingtoo much alcohol, another oneof my poor coping strategies,but because I just wanted to stayat home and isolate myself fromthe world. I wanted to lock allthe doors of my home, close allthe curtains, and shut everyoneout of my life–which I did manytimes for many years. Sure, Icalled in sick from time to time,but on one occasion, I intentionallyinjured myself so that Ididn’t have to work. I used an old12-inch adjustable steel wrenchto cause superficial injuries tomy left knee. I struck my knee adozen or more times, enough tocause redness, abrasions, andbruising, and limped into thelocal emergency room. I explainedto the doctor and nursesthat I had tripped and fallendown walking out of the backdoor of my house and struck myknee on the steel covering ofan underground septic tank. Mystory was believable enough. Ireceived X-rays of my knee, aprescription for pain medication,and crutches. I was dischargedfrom the emergency room with adoctor’s letter releasing me fromwork for about one week. Thisoccurred during a busy holidaywork week. Although I was notable to truly celebrate the holiday,this deception got me out ofwork, and I was able to enjoy thetime alone at home.Another way I was able toget out of working was to intentionallymake myself sick. Iremember while taking a showerbefore my shift I was thinkingabout the many ways I could getout of work. While I was puttingon my ballistic vest, uniform,boots, and duty belt, I thoughtto myself, I’m going to get outof working by binge eating andmaking myself vomit. I constructeda plan to visit the localBurger King drive-thru whiletraveling to work. I ordered abunch of breakfast food andmade sure I washed it down witha large soda and a large orangejuice. I needed to make sure Iadded beverages to my breakfastbuffet to ensure it would allcome back up easier.I continued to travel to workand passed the local McDonald’sand thought, two is betterthan one. I quickly binged what Ipurchased from McDonalds andproceeded to work.I arrived at work and uponexiting my vehicle I masterfullyplayed the role of the “sickemployee.” I walked into thepolice department and mademyself vomit in the bathroom.I made sure the bathroom doorremained open so that anyonewalking by could see or hear me.The The BLUES - JANUARY - ‘25 ‘25 117 117