JAN. 2025. Blues Vol 41 No. 1

I made sure that not all

I made sure that not all my vomitmade it into the toilet and landedon the floor for added effect. Iwas immediately sent home.Another of my many poor copingstrategies I used was abusingalcohol. Prior to the incident,I collected wine and enjoyeda glass every now and then.However, after, I began abusingliquor, mainly whiskey andthe cheapest vodka I could getmy hands on. I would consumewhiskey and vodka straight fromtheir bottles, on the rocks, or Iwould create my own cocktailsby combining over-the-counterliquid sleeping or liquid allergymedicines. There were times Iwould mix in whatever leftoverprescription medicines I hadin the medicine cabinet, and itdidn’t matter if they were prescribedto me or someone else.For example, I remember oneinstance when my oldest daughterhad leftover prescribed liquidcough medicine containing codeine.I combined whatever wasremaining in the bottle with aglass of wine. I was on a prescribedanti-depressant calledVenlafaxine while I was abusingalcohol. The label on this medicationspecifically stated, “DONOT DRINK ALCOHOLIC BEVER-AGES WHILE TAKING THIS MEDI-CATION.” A warning label did notdeter me from abusing alcohol. Ivery well could have blacked outand never woken up from consumingthese dangerous cocktails,but at the time I did notcare. Abusing alcohol may havebeen a quick fix, but it causedme even more stress, anxiety,and depression.In September 2018, I drafteda written contract with myselfto not consume alcohol. I don’tremember writing the contract,but there was something insideof me that recognized howself-destructive alcohol was.This contract quickly becamenull and void because it took meanother three years to reduce myalcohol consumption.Another way I dangerouslycoped was by drinking and driving.Prior to attending any typeof social event, even as simpleas going to the grocery store, Iwould consume alcohol. I wouldtravel to a nearby gas stationand purchase many small bottlesof liquor containing about1.5 ounces of whiskey, vodka, orwhatever I could afford at thetime. I would immediately consumethe alcohol in my vehicleprior to traveling to my destination.I tossed the empty bottlesin the back of my vehicle or outthe window while I was driving.I would rationalize that it wouldtake about 30 minutes for me tofeel the effects of the alcohol,and by the time I was impaired Iwould have arrived at my destination.I was very fortunate thatI was not arrested for drinkingand driving or even worse, killingsomeone.Another example of risky andreckless behavior that I am stillashamed of today involved alcohol,operating while impaired,and my youngest daughter. I wasconsuming alcohol late morninginto the early afternoon and hadto pick up my youngest daughterat her mother’s (my ex-wife’s)house and take her to gymnastics.As we drove to gymnastics,I took the wrong turn and drove21 miles out of the way. I drovefor 61 miles impaired by alcohol.For 46 miles, I had my youngestdaughter with me.I used casual sex as a copingstrategy and to distract myselffrom my emotional discomfortand pain. I would meet womenand sometimes within 30 minutes,we would have sex. Thiscaused me more stress and anxietythan anything else. Sure, I feltgreat during sex, but it caused118 The BLUES -- JANUARY ‘25

me more harm than good. I wasconstantly worried about pregnancyand contracting a SexuallyTransmitted Disease. Althoughthis type of sexual behaviorwas risky, self-destructive, andcaused me stress and anxiety, itwas not enough to convince meto stop. I wanted an instant feelgoodescape from my life andcasual sex provided that for me.Another dangerous and unimaginableway I coped wasby putting my duty weaponto my head. During my criticalincident, it was a Glock 22 Gen4 – 40 Caliber. I put this weaponto my head at least a dozentimes. Sometimes I even placedthe barrel in my mouth. I wouldalways remove the magazine,but for those of you who arenot familiar with a Glock, if youdon’t rack the slide and removethe round from the chamber(barrel) it will still discharge around. I very easily could haveaccidentally killed myself. Myrationalization was that I simplywanted to hear and feel the metallicclick of the trigger beingpulled while the barrel of thegun was resting against my righttemple. I did this while I wasunder the influence of alcohol. Istill do not truly understand whyI did this, and sometimes wonderhow many times it happenedwhile I was excessively consumingalcohol. I am very fortunateto be alive.In December 2021 I experienceda panic attack during an activeshooter training which led toa psychological assessment inJanuary 2022. The assessmentlasted seven hours and resultedin a nine-page mental healthdiagnoses. I was thinking aboutnot being honest during the evaluation.I thought I could beat theevaluation. I chose to be honestwith the evaluation and myself;that was the only way I wouldreceive the type of help I need.I was diagnosed with MajorDepressive Disorder and PTSDwith Acute Stress by the policedepartment’s psychologistand deemed Unfit for Duty. Thismeant I was not able to returnto work and needed to undergointense Psychotherapy, EyeMovement Desensitization andReprocessing (EMDR), Biofeedback,and Dialectical BehaviorTherapy (DBT).I requested a 90 day leave ofabsence to work on my mentalhealth in hope of returning toduty. I attended therapy two andThe BLUES - - JANUARY ‘25 ‘25 119