JAN. 2025. Blues Vol 41 No. 1

I made sure that not all

I made sure that not all my vomit made it into the toilet and landed on the floor for added effect. I was immediately sent home. Another of my many poor coping strategies I used was abusing alcohol. Prior to the incident, I collected wine and enjoyed a glass every now and then. However, after, I began abusing liquor, mainly whiskey and the cheapest vodka I could get my hands on. I would consume whiskey and vodka straight from their bottles, on the rocks, or I would create my own cocktails by combining over-the-counter liquid sleeping or liquid allergy medicines. There were times I would mix in whatever leftover prescription medicines I had in the medicine cabinet, and it didn’t matter if they were prescribed to me or someone else. For example, I remember one instance when my oldest daughter had leftover prescribed liquid cough medicine containing codeine. I combined whatever was remaining in the bottle with a glass of wine. I was on a prescribed anti-depressant called Venlafaxine while I was abusing alcohol. The label on this medication specifically stated, “DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOLIC BEVER- AGES WHILE TAKING THIS MEDI- CATION.” A warning label did not deter me from abusing alcohol. I very well could have blacked out and never woken up from consuming these dangerous cocktails, but at the time I did not care. Abusing alcohol may have been a quick fix, but it caused me even more stress, anxiety, and depression. In September 2018, I drafted a written contract with myself to not consume alcohol. I don’t remember writing the contract, but there was something inside of me that recognized how self-destructive alcohol was. This contract quickly became null and void because it took me another three years to reduce my alcohol consumption. Another way I dangerously coped was by drinking and driving. Prior to attending any type of social event, even as simple as going to the grocery store, I would consume alcohol. I would travel to a nearby gas station and purchase many small bottles of liquor containing about 1.5 ounces of whiskey, vodka, or whatever I could afford at the time. I would immediately consume the alcohol in my vehicle prior to traveling to my destination. I tossed the empty bottles in the back of my vehicle or out the window while I was driving. I would rationalize that it would take about 30 minutes for me to feel the effects of the alcohol, and by the time I was impaired I would have arrived at my destination. I was very fortunate that I was not arrested for drinking and driving or even worse, killing someone. Another example of risky and reckless behavior that I am still ashamed of today involved alcohol, operating while impaired, and my youngest daughter. I was consuming alcohol late morning into the early afternoon and had to pick up my youngest daughter at her mother’s (my ex-wife’s) house and take her to gymnastics. As we drove to gymnastics, I took the wrong turn and drove 21 miles out of the way. I drove for 61 miles impaired by alcohol. For 46 miles, I had my youngest daughter with me. I used casual sex as a coping strategy and to distract myself from my emotional discomfort and pain. I would meet women and sometimes within 30 minutes, we would have sex. This caused me more stress and anxiety than anything else. Sure, I felt great during sex, but it caused 118 The BLUES -- JANUARY ‘25

me more harm than good. I was constantly worried about pregnancy and contracting a Sexually Transmitted Disease. Although this type of sexual behavior was risky, self-destructive, and caused me stress and anxiety, it was not enough to convince me to stop. I wanted an instant feelgood escape from my life and casual sex provided that for me. Another dangerous and unimaginable way I coped was by putting my duty weapon to my head. During my critical incident, it was a Glock 22 Gen 4 - 40 Caliber. I put this weapon to my head at least a dozen times. Sometimes I even placed the barrel in my mouth. I would always remove the magazine, but for those of you who are not familiar with a Glock, if you don’t rack the slide and remove the round from the chamber (barrel) it will still discharge a round. I very easily could have accidentally killed myself. My rationalization was that I simply wanted to hear and feel the metallic click of the trigger being pulled while the barrel of the gun was resting against my right temple. I did this while I was under the influence of alcohol. I still do not truly understand why I did this, and sometimes wonder how many times it happened while I was excessively consuming alcohol. I am very fortunate to be alive. In December 2021 I experienced a panic attack during an active shooter training which led to a psychological assessment in January 2022. The assessment lasted seven hours and resulted in a nine-page mental health diagnoses. I was thinking about not being honest during the evaluation. I thought I could beat the evaluation. I chose to be honest with the evaluation and myself; that was the only way I would receive the type of help I need. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD with Acute Stress by the police department’s psychologist and deemed Unfit for Duty. This meant I was not able to return to work and needed to undergo intense Psychotherapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Biofeedback, and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). I requested a 90 day leave of absence to work on my mental health in hope of returning to duty. I attended therapy two and The BLUES - - JANUARY ‘25 ‘25 119