Nov. 2024. Blues Vol 40 No. 11

DR. TINA JAECKLE blue

DR. TINA JAECKLE blue mental health A Story of Hope: I am Typical In my service as a counselor and consultant with law enforcement for the last 25 years, I have met countless officers who are struggling emotionally, some hanging on by a thread. What is missing for them is hope and the knowledge that there are those who have overcome adversity and ultimately found stability and happiness. In the next few months, I will share the stories and experiences of officers who have not only survived but are now thriving. “I am typical. I worked in a small town as a police officer and had my share of ups and downs. I had worked for a few different administrations and survived the pitfalls of politics. I still enjoyed the job and had risen to the rank of Sgt. I logged in 19 years of service and had many funny moments to look back on. I tried very hard to have a good work ethic and a sense of morality. I remember when I was a rookie I would have done the job for free. I absolutely loved being a police officer and the authority I was vested with. Over time I transitioned to an outlook of caring. I loved my men like brothers and loved my town like it was my child. My work was done with the citizens in mind and their safety at heart. I was very fortunate that I chiseled out a reputation as trusted Officer who had no fear. I guarded my reputation with my life. I studied the great leaders in history and tried to lead by example and took the hardships right along with my men. The feeling of respect I was afforded was like a drug. I couldn’t live without it. I was known to be without fear and was the first one at the most violent calls. I was no stranger to violence and consider myself lucky that I’m still alive. Pushing the envelope was a daily trend. I was never a good fighter but, I wasn’t afraid to fight. That attitude saw me through some really tough altercations. I had a will as strong as iron. I watched society change and I missed my rookie years. I was hired in the wake of the 9/11 Tragedy and the police were treated like heroes. Now I was considered a racist brute with nothing but hatred in my heart. How could this be? I had spent an entire career building myself into the best man I could be. Honesty, integrity, openness, happiness, humor, morality, etc… was the core of my soul. I can remember the day that my thoughts changed. I was reading a legal document on the computer and I had to read it twice to understand it. I was always a strong reader and had won awards in school for my reading comprehension and vast literature portfolio. It was like my thoughts were foggy. I started to feel uninterested in things I would typically enjoy. I actually went to the doctor to see if I was ill. I was deemed healthy so I continued on with my work. DR. TINA JAECKLE Things started to get worse as time went on but I had no idea what was coming. I was depressed. I had heard of depression but didn’t think it was a real thing. I was carrying a lot of pain but felt nothing in my heart. I had no joy or sadness and it was as if I was dead inside. I had to press onward because the thought of anyone seeing my weakness was unthinkable. I had to protect my most valuable asset – my reputation I had worked so hard to earn. The emptiness pushed me to alcohol. I started drinking more and more. I never was intoxicated at work but I knew when I could stop drinking and be sober for shift. The drinking got out of hand. I carried a lot of guilt and shame. The alcohol abuse was a huge mistake and a costly one. I started thinking horrible things. Ending my life became a daily thought. The thoughts of suicide manifested into rumination. I remember sleeping as much as possible to help rid my 128 The Blues - November ‘24

mind of the suicidal ideation. I needed help but couldn’t ask for it for fear of destroying who people thought I was. The decision to kill myself came out of a need to escape the pain. A pain that was bottomless. An abyss of agony inside of my own thoughts and mind. I couldn’t get out of my own head. I choose the method of my suicide. I decided the date and planned it to the greatest detail. I remember feeling a sense of relief after making my plan. It felt as if I was in control again. Through a series of (un)fortunate events my plans were discovered by a person I considered a friend. That friend informed the Chief of my intent. My secret was out. I remember being terrified that anyone else would find out. I would be ruined. The Chief was unprepared to deal with my situation. He instantly removed me from duty and banned me from the police department. My worst nightmare was coming true. I was ordered to get mental health treatment. My plans of suicide intensified at that point. I was watching my entire career and life get wiped away. I resisted the mental health treatment and essentially refused to cooperate with the therapy. I refused medication and kept self-medicating with alcohol. I had a moment one day when I had decided to shoot myself. I was alone in my car and I picked up the phone and called my doctor. I begged him for help. He acted immediately and I started cooperating with the treatment. It took some time to get the right medication for me but, it worked. The thoughts of suicide stopped and things started looking brighter. I eventually made it back to work but struggled with the stigma that I now had. My superiors would make backhanded comments about my “mental issues” but I pressed onward. I confided my troubles with a few of my friends and discovered something wonderful. They respected me more than ever because I confided in them. I was shocked. All this time I was afraid they’d think less of me but the opposite was true. My reputation gained a new facet. I was the supervisor and friend that people would come to when they were in need. I was lucky enough to help other officers that were struggling and we now share a very intimate relationship through that shared pain. Depression remains the only thing I’m afraid of but, now I understand it. I have the power over it and know it can always be beaten. It’s not a death sentence and it certainly doesn’t control me. I thought my world was over but discovered it was only beginning. The pain galvanized my soul and only the scars remain to remind me of the struggle. If you find yourself in my shoes, you need to remember one thing – you are not alone. The Blues - November ‘24 129